Coffee Jokes

Who doesn't like good coffee jokes, sayings and quotes. I have collected some of the best and worst coffee jokes, sayings and quotes for your reading pleasure. If you have a coffee quote, saying or coffee joke that you would like to submit please use this form.

Sit back with your favorite cup of coffee, read and enjoy.

Coffee Quotes

Chocolate, men, coffee – some things are better rich.

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

Retirement is one great big giant coffee break.

Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.

Don’t drink coffee in the morning. It will keep you awake until noon.

“Let no man grumble when his friends fall off,
As they will do like leaves at the first breeze;
When your affairs come round, one way or t’other,
Go to the coffee-house, & take another.”
~ Don Juan

I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.
~ Clark Gable

Among the numerous luxuries of the table...coffee may be considered as one of the most valuable. It excites cheerfulness without intoxication; and the pleasing flow of spirits which it occasions...is never followed by sadness, languor or debility.
~ Benjamin Franklin

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
~ George Eliot

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
~ Bill Cosby

Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another cup of coffee!

Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.
~ Drew Sirtors

Best Inspirational Quotes Get motivated with this hand-picked collection of the best inspirational quotes filled with encouraging sayings about life, love, friendship, and even funny inspiring quotations.

Coffee Jokes

A man went to his doctor and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."
The doctor says, "well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

What's fat and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?" "Coffee is three dollars the waitress says". "How much is a refill?" the man asks. "Free, "says the waitress. "Then I'll take a refill, and make it a double!"

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said "Why don't you quit drinking coffee?" He said "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

A former roommate baked a coffee cake and asked me to sample it.
It was pretty tasty but I asked her what the small crunchy things were in the cake.
She said the recipe called for 2 cups of strong coffee.

This little grandmother was surprised by her little grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what had to have been the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were two of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up, is soldiers in your cup!"

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You sleep with your eyes open.
When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee shop and you don't even work there.
Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
The only gift you get for Valentines Day is chocolate covered coffee beans.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I. V. hookup.